Speed dating for playwrights

When we last left off, I was leaving the “core assumptions” seminar and heading to the playwright/director “speed dating.” Of course, when I initially heard about this, my first thought was, “What should I wear?” I asked friends for fashion advice but the only response I got was, “Show lots of cleavage.” Yikes! Good luck with that!

So I got to the room and it was like high school – 40 people milling around with the boys on one side and the girls on the other – except they were writers and directors. In the middle of the room was a line of chairs – laid out in 20 facing pairs. To fit the small room, the chairs were right next to each other – so you could slide your “buns of steel “from one to the other without ever standing up!

Then the “host” explained the rules.

• It’d be a series of 2 minute rounds.
• Each of us would have a ID code (I was P11) and a scorecard.
• We would "date" another person and decide if they were a “match”.
• If so, we’d write their ID code on our cards.
• Rinse, wash, repeat!

The facilitators would then gather the cards, tally the “matches”, and send out contact info.

Okay, everybody - ready, steady, go!

Immediately I was engulfed in a nosecone of noise as 40 people talked/shouted! I felt I was falling down a deep, dark cavern of sound! I began to float effortlessly without hitting the ground. So peaceful!

Then my first “date” said in a booming voice “I have a question!”

It turned out he had a very specific need for an existing cast. I didn’t have anything that remotely matched. I thought, “It is like high school. I’m striking out again! But I have a car this time! And a job! Please like me!” I was even ready to lie! “Why, yes! I am working on a play about left-handed Lithuanians! Funny you should ask!” But before I could develop this fantasy further, it was time to move on!

And the game was on! Every two minutes, the “host” would blow his whistle and I’d slide down to the next director. I heard myself talking over and over about Noh drama and medieval morality plays and Monty Python and combining high and low cultures and creating a sense of "counterpoint" between the dialogue and the movement of bodies on stage. These are all things I believe in deeply - but if you say the same thing enough times, it begins to sound absurd! Eventually, I even got bored with myself and wanted to invent a different “Scott”:

“Yes, I write murder mystery plays. I’m a Taurus. I’m into single malt Scotch. How about you?”

Fortunately, I knew some of the directors. So each time I reached one of them we would rest and share notes. I got the impression that the “pressure to perform” was definitely on the playwrights. It was a little like a Hollywood “pitch meeting” where the writer has to catch the director’s attention immediately with some snappy patter, as in:

“My play is like Mourning Becomes Electra but on a space ship – with zombies!”

Hearing this relaxed me in an odd way. I didn’t have a “project” to sell. I was looking more for a “relationship” than a one night stand! So I started looking deeply into the eyes of each director, smiling sweetly, batting my eyes, and saying:

• “Would you like to go first?”
• “Shall we talk about you?”
• “What is your work like?”
• “Who has influenced you?”

And, just as I was starting to enjoy myself, the final whistle blew! Game over!

Time to tally up the results! Oh, no! My scorecard was totally scrambled! Was “D2” the nice Romanian woman or the kid with red hair? Was “D7” the PhD in Comp Lit or the circus acrobat? I’d made a hash of things again!

So I’m curious….

Have you ever done speed dating? Was it in a… ahem… theatrical context? Did you… ahem… “hook up” later? Let me know!

Meanwhile, I’ll be sitting here by the phone! Directors! They never call!